Maggots & Earwigs

This story starts off with a blue mini van with surfboards strapped to the roof, 2 blokes, and a kiwi girl.  Destination 1... Takou Bay.  Destination 2... Matauri Bay ,  only the best surf breaks ever!  But alas this isn't about surfing, this is about a series of unfortunate events for 3 pimple popping teenagers.

Hooning off in the mini van (aptly named The Brick) excited and amped.  Nothing could damper our spirits and the thrill of the wave.  The break was about an hour away and we needed to refuel The Brick and our guts.  We decided to shoot off to the local supermarket.  The kind of supermarket that was way too over priced for the locals, out of stock shelves and chips in the concrete floor (nothing flash about that, but hey, what you don't know don't hurt you, as all we teenagers saw was aisles and aisles of food, food, glorious food!).

We used to love sinking our teeth into the little red skinned pre-cooked sausages, so bought a packet of those to munch on.  Then we diverted to the local dairy and picked out the tastiest milkshakes on the planet...hmmmm? Lime? Creaming Soda? Caramel? Bloody choices! Lime it is and one each, awesome.  Now we were ready to do the miles and talk shit on the way to the ultimate ride.  This day was perfect...so far.

We slurped those babeilicious shakes, trying not to choke on the odd hard bit of ice cream that would sometimes block the straw, which meant we had to suck harder and hopefully not choke our way to heaven so soon.  After cracking up for a bit and spinning tall tales of other surf quests, the bloke in the passengers seat starting cracking up and thought he'd be a smart ass by asking what was in his teeth.  He must have gotten an ice cream lump and decided to be a gross buggar and show us the slurp between his teeth.  I looked at him... stared at his teeth real close... looked at him again with one eyebrow raised... looked at what was between his teeth again, but this time with a slight sickening grin and both eyebrows raised......BAHAHAHAHAHA! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! Couldn't tell the poor dude! Was laughing so much!  "Pull over bro! Pull over! You gotta see this! Don't look at it yet bro! Just wait" hahahahahaha!

The driver pulled over and he did the same thing, stared... then stared again with an expression of a stunned mullet.... he cracked up, and the gross boy (the passenger) spat out what he was exhibiting between his pearly whites.  It was a bloody Earwig.... lifeless and thankfully not in two pieces! He dry reached and had another spit or two... tears rolling down our eyes.....had to get out and pee mate! Sore guts from laughing so much!

We chilled out for a bit and opened up the sausies.  Munching away so our stomachs didn't eat our backbones from hunger.  We got past the first layer... what are those things wriggling around? Weird.... shit! Maggots! Bloody hickville supermarket! Goddamn gross! Bleuck! We all started heaving, semi laughing at each other at the same time... don't look at each other and we'll settle down..... hahahaha! Barf! Hahahahaha! Barf!

After we emptied our stomachs we couldn't believe the events up until that moment... biffed the sausages and inspected the rest of the milkshakes for any more intruders.  Never say 'whats next?' as there will always be something creeping around the corner.  So we didn't speak of the 'whats next ' scenario, and to avoid any more tummy upsets we didn't eat until we headed home after cutting up the waves.  We still popped into that same supermarket, but didn't get the 'usual', Infested Sausages, because the day was already teamed with good ole' Maggots & Earwigs! Enough grotty grub for one day thanks!

One Day of grossness in A Day In The Life of unsuspecting Kiwi consumers.

The Worlds Fastest Car Bonnet

Here's a New Zealand story for you......

This story is about a classic experience that most farm kids would have experienced back in the days when you weren't wrapped up in cotton wool... getting towed behind a bike riding a bonnet of a car at break neck speed.  The more freaked out we were the better aye?!  Bloody lucky really as Dad was a Panelbeater and we had a couple of spares lying around, perfect!

Yep, we had the car bonnet from 'narm'.  Not very pleasing to the eye but man, we could get catapulted at sudden right angles on the damn thing like a massive rubberband!  Looking back on it now, we could have waxed the bottom of it to break the sound/speed barrier and gotten closer to the heavens with our death defying manouvers haha!

Picture this.... a wickedly over sized helmet, 'hory-boryarlus' rope, a farm bike and a clapped out old bonnet beyond repair.  When we could be bothered we wore over sized ski goggles or sunglasses to stop the bugs and crap shooting into our eyeballs! And to top it off... if the cows had been in the paddock previously then we got shit flung up from the wheels of the bike! Nice, that's what people love (sarcasm), shit in the face!  But, no matter how many cow patties hammered us we waited impatiently for our turn to face the same punishment, loving every minute of it! Screaming and laughing our tits off with mouths wide open...idiots.

The bike would take off slowly coz of the weight in tow, and then once it found its momentum we were off! It was like a horizontal bungy motion where you swallow your guts hoping like hell you were gonna live to the end.  Making sure not to flip backwards with the jolt, as the rider of The Worlds Fastest Car Bonnet would be holding onto the rope with heels dug into the front of it.  Yeehah! Go, go go! Faster, faster, faster bro! Schwiiing!..... getting pinged out sideways as the bike hooned around the bend at the end of the paddock, and the rider of the Bonnet leaning in to avoid becoming a disfigured muddle on the other side. Awesome! More, more, more!

Now paddocks have bumps and bits which give a slight jolt to the spine, but hey, laughter was the best medicine for that I guess, as we didn't really feel it but it looked lethal.  Especially if you got one on the corner bend! You had to make sure that you didn't flip in mid air. You would have thought that we were dying judging from the commotion.  As I said in the story Lethal Mongrels the valley echoed so you would've heard it in Timbuktu mate!

We would normally get a few rounds each and be bummed on the last round knowing that we had to 'wait in line' for the next go.  When the bike slowed to a stop the bonnet rider normally just sat there like a stunned mullet... white knuckles....eyes bulging... massive grin.... bugs or crap (or both) in mouth and on the face... cracking up.... sometimes needing to go for a pee immediately from either being freaked out or laughing so much!  Man! Where was YouTube back then?

So the next person would be hooning up to the dude crawling off the contraption, just about ripping the head off them whilst taking off the helmet so that they could go through the same punishment, always trying to out-do the one before with a bigger lean, so to get shot out faster on the dreaded (but much anticipated) bends.  Hmmm, maybe my comment regarding waxing up the bottom to get more speed was a dick idea....

In fact, I wish I knew someone now who had a big wide space so that I could do it again! Haha! But this time I will be wearing gloves, fitted helmet, scarf on the face and have some toilet paper close by.  Oh and musn't forget the First Aid kit!  And maybe have a dick thought like I said and bring some wax along hahaha! Because after all it's gotta be just as cool and crazy as the real life New Zealand story about.....

The Worlds Fastest Car Bonnet, made with some grass roots kiwi ingenuity and know how from the coolest Dads shed.

The Eel Gets The Bash!

WARNING!

This could possibly offend regarding killing the eels, so stop reading now.

Ngawha, Northland, New Zealand. This location was basically my 2nd home and is where the next New Zealand story is derived from. I used to help on my best mates Marae in the kitchen and I made a damn good coleslaw I might add. Used to strap on the gloves and shell oyster after oyster. One for me, one for the pot, one for me, one for the pot. The blokes laid down the Hangi (earth oven, traditional Maori cooking in the ground, bloody yum I tell ya!).

Sometimes when there were 100's of people staying we would have to set up beds in an old school up The Lane near the Marae. The school has been retired of its services for many years now, and the families/friends who rest their heads on the pillows were protected by the spirits of the elders/forefathers who have passed. This old school was up The Lane, a short rickety road with homes of the Whanau (families)dotted on both sides. Dogs tied up with a bit of rope or roaming to scavenge what they could find, and kids hooning around outside in their own world.

On this day there were heaps of people, mattresses everywhere, people sitting on the big veranda having a korero (talk). Some were racing around doing dishes, preparing food, doing dishes, organising the nights feed, doing dishes, making cups of tea, doing dishes.... damn dishes!

Darkness fell but it didn't stop the chitter-chatter and hum of the living. Kids playing tag in the dark and adults laughing and telling stories of the old days as best their memories could recall.

"Oi! you two... go get some eels aye?"... "yes uncle". Man, we wanted to still sit down and have a laugh chuggin' on cigarettes with our cups of tea after a feed, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. So throw in the towel and replace it with a bit of nylon line. So we got our shit together... Nylon, check... hooks, check...stink rotten bait, check (don't sniff it! GAG, cough)...

Her cuz decided to come with us too. Her cousin was my mate too, she was what you would call of a generous size and could just tap you on the arm and bowl you for a sixer! Didn't know her own strength anyway. Glad she was my mate and not an enemy haha.

Wandered down to the creek with a torch in hand and over sized gumboots dragging along the metal road then skidding down the grass bank to the water. We were having a laugh about the stink bait that we acquired, still gagging while sticking it on the hooks. Laughing...gagging...laughing some more. Bloody girls! We chucked the lines in the creek and sat down charfing on our smokes telling each other stories then remembering that we had to be quiet so then would tell each other to shut the hell up so we didn't scare the eels away, crack up.

Tug... tug-tug... tug... WOH! Chaos! Hooked the buggar! Splash, splash! "It's a big mumma!", "Quick!", quick what? Just pull the bloody thing in mate! The eel was writhing this way and that, wrapping itself around the line in a spastic slithery kind of way. "Pull the fucking thing up!". So the cuz did. Pulled it way up just in case the buggar got away. The torch flicking all over the place amongst the chaos. "Just hold the torch on the eel bro! Can't see it!". So I did. Then my mate raced over to it and held it around the head, the eel wrapping itself around her, the nylon, and anything else it came into contact with. Man never had one this big! Normally it was pretty easy to kill the bloody thing but this one had probably been hooked before and discovered how to manipulate stupid hunters to escape.

Cuz (the big chick) ended up dropping the line and running to rescue my mate.. screaming in fear. You would have thought we were capturing the biggest Anaconda ever! Dicks! There was nothing left of the line as it was entwined around the big mumma eel. Why didn't we use a hinaki (eel trap)? Why, why, why? "Aaargh! Fuckin' thing bit me!", we were all yelling at the same time giving each other orders but not listening in the panic. The eel at this point was spinning around and around on the ground freaking out. Next thing we know big cuz was holding the biggest, baddest rock above her head, she had vengeance in her eyes and wanted to do some damage! If you could imagine a huge chick, long black hair, fear and hate in her eyes at the same time, with a rock above her head and an eel?... hmmmmmm..... "no, no! You'll bruise the bloody thing"... bashed the rock down with almighty force... missed!....BASH! BIFF! BASH! NO! Crazy shit man... Black hair flying up at right angles, wide eyes, sweat, heavy breathing.

She did it. Gone to eel heaven. Big cuz breathing heavy, her chest heaving, still with a bit of that crazy eye. My mate and I looked at each other with one eyebrow raised and a half sick questionable smirk wondering where the hell the last couple of minutes went. It was like we had blacked out and woken up. It was a mindless killing really, as we couldn't take it back to hang up at the school because it wasn't taken cleanly and would've tasted like shit due to the body being bruised to buggary! Nice one cuz (sarcasm). Go get the hinaki (eel pot) I think and catch them that way aye girls?

I never went eeling with big cuz after that. I think the dead of the night had an impact too... made things more surreal and heightened. I must admit that my best mate and I did crack up afterwards re-running the story over and over having that vision of big cuz losing the plot with an eel. Seeing this chick in a wrath of rage like she was defending herself in war hahaha!

So if you are ever with someone who hasn't been eeling before... give them the torch and chain them down haha!

Another story as fresh New Zealand kiwi chicks.....

Lamb Chops With Big Nuts

Have you ever wondered why some farmers aptly name their pet animals after a dish on their plates?  Well, I don't have an answer either ok?  But I can tell you now that is what we used to call our sheep up on our farm in Ohaeawai, NZ.

He was a ram and to us kids he was a grumpy bastard with big nuts that used to hang down past his 'knees'.  Dunno how he managed to run with those a knockin' from side to side... but he could run like the wind if he could smell the scent of fear.  We weren't supposed to get to the cowshed via the main road as we may have been mistaken for road kill from time to time, so we had to cross Lamb Chops paddock to make our way to the haybarn and cowshed.

The paddock was on a little hill and we crossed up the top, having a 'jack' over the old gate making sure that HE was down the bottom... because by the time you had the balls to enter his domain you had to run like the clappers to get over to the tanker track on the other side before HE noticed you.  Because if he noticed you you may have well have been named after a dinner plate dish hahaha.  I'm sure he was a wild African beast reincarnated as a ram!

Once upon a time........ my younger brother and I decided to go and play with our cars over by the haybarn.  So did the usual... climb up the gate and lean over the top to see where grumpy pants was.... yep, sweet, all clear.  HE is down grazing at the bottom...choice as!  C'mon little bro, lets go...  I'm two years older than my bro but when you are talking about being about 6 or 7 then the difference is pretty big in terms of being able to hold yourself and run for your life hahaha.

So we started out to get to our destination through the paddock to the other side.... oh the other side...I wish the other side was right here right now!  You know how things just become habit and you get a bit laxed when it comes to the rules? Well, we were exactly that! Because I looked down to the right and there was Lamb Chops bolting for us, nose flaring, foaming at the mouth like a mad cow, nuts smacking this way and that! Bloody hell! RUN! RUN! RUN! By this time he was half way up and we had to just pray that we were gonna make it......

..... the gate! the gate!...nearly there.... c'mon little bro.... the gate! the gate!..... T H E    G A T E ! ! ! !  I could hear the beast.... f'dump...f'dump...f'dump...snort....snort...snort.....

My arms reached for the heavens towards the top of the gate, right leg shooting for for the stars in unison and I catapulted myself up and over. Swiftly spun round and jumped up on the gate from the safe zone to pull my brother up... my toes teetering on the bar of the gate, my body lunged over the top to pull him up! TOO LATE!!!!

The beast had got him! Little bro frantically trying to grab the top of the gate now as Lamb Chops was bunting his arse like an apple bobbing competition upside down hahahaha! His legs were flying outwards, his face distorted with fear ... but his grip was firm!  Bunt! Bunt! Bunt!  Man Lamb Chops was centered all right, my brother looked like a cartoon in a really bad place.  Then Lamb Chops may have had enough, I dunno, coz he gave this one last almighty BUNT! and my bro went flying up and scrambled over the top of the gate! Lamb Chops just went his merry way and began filling his belly again like nothing had happened.... I guess he got his reward by showing us the wrath of the beast within... putting fear into the little shits who cross his domain.

Now, I'm not a mean person or anything like that but I was rolling round on the grass laughing uncontrollably with tears in my eyes... while my brother was crying from the fear put in him! I think it was the adrenalin and now being in the safe zone type thing?  Trying to just ask if his butt was ok was an impossible task... I'd just start bloody laughing again!.... and again......and again!  Sorry bro hahahahahahahaaaaaaa!

And Lamb Chops?   Well..... lets just say  that he was aptly named.... RIP.

A Day In The Life Of Farm Kids......and a ram with big everything!

Three Stupid Chicks Stuck On A Cliff

Lets give you a visual of where we were first before I get into the juicy bits.

Place..... Whangamumu, Russell, Northland.

Why...... College (High School to some) camping trip.

The place is gorgeous! It's in the wop-wops up North so its pretty difficult to get any help if you ever got yourself in the shit really. So I dunno why our teachers decided that this was a good idea when most of the group were ratbags, what the hell were they thinking? It's all their fault! haha

Took us like 1000's of hours to walk there in the first place. Hearing the odd whinge here & there like we were following Poppa Smurf "are we there yet?". The parents were probably pissed that they had to set a good example, and I BET YOU they were thinking the same "are we there yet?!" Yeah, I bet...

We approached one of THE most beautiful bays I had ever seen nestled in between bush and hills, now this was a tough call as there are heaps of hidey-holes dotted all around Northland that are just as breathtaking mate, but his one just seemed so far removed from man and everything he stands for as it took us bloody ages to get there! Heaps of teenagers tramping through the virgin lookin' bush with a constant hum of chatter and shreaks. Watch out! Here we come!

Pwrfffft! Someone let off the biggest most hard outest fart! Echo, echo, echo...The mating call of one of the blokes who was no doubt full with way too much testosterone and cheek. Raucous laughter had by all....for ages and ages and ages. Maybe it was the phantom farter from an earlier story, who knows? Why the hell do we laugh at farts? I still do to this day.....

Anyway, this ain't about farts ok.... hahaha. We set up the tent with our 'buddies' and it was our turn to go get some water which was up over the other side of the hill over by the old whaling station. Right, got the containers....check. Got ourselves......check. Three of us walking and talking shit how girls do. None of this "oooh look at my pretty hair" type stuff, coz we didn't give a toss about that stuff up there, some didn't even have hair brushes....just blabbed about nothing and everything else. We we had pretty spastic humour, cracking up to the point of nearly peeing our pants when ever anything ever tickled our funny bones, yeah....right then, lets move on.... Now we filled up the containers....."Man these are HEAVY!"..."Yeah bro, this sucks!"..... so being the on-to-it kind of girls we were we decided to take a short cut. Instead of going back the way we came we decided to navigate our way around the rocks below the hill..... that's logic for ya!

Cool, we'll get there quicker, thinking we had stumbled upon the next best thing since sliced bread...Man we are three remarkably talented chicks. We meander around the bottom of the cliff face and get to a big rock. We climb up and ov.....er, NOT! SHIT! The tide is coming in! Damn, turn back. SHIT! The tide is coming in faaaaaaast bro! ......

TRAPPED!

See the panic on each others face cloud the once bright wide grinned faces. Hmmmmm, were we scared of the teachers or the situation at hand..... a bit of both I reckon! Nah, more the unforgiving ocean more like it! We looked up..... "Noooooooo!", big cliff nearly at a right angle. Anyone got spare rock climbing gears by any chance? No? Why the hell not? Anyone got a magic wand? No? Why not?

Dumb.....dumb.....dumb....

Funny how your body goes into survival mode and you just do things that you wouldn't even attempt to do in a normal situation... funny that. We just had to climb up the face of that kick ass cliff or we were doomed. Grabbing on to roots, rocks, holes.... "Mwwaaaaahhhh! Mwwaaahh!" our mate started freaking out big time.... guess where? Go on, have a guess..... yep, half way up! The 'expedition' stopped dead in it's tracks. "Come on girl! We have to keep going!". Don't look down, coz now the rocks below were covered with water slapping unforgivably against the base of the cliff where we were standing a wee while ago. After a lot of encouragement she decided it would be ok if we both helped her up, because we weren't staying there the night man!

Shoving her ass up the cliff face, literally! Yep, we actually pushed her butt up, her feet skidding up, hands frantically trying to grasp the first thing they touched! Meanwhile we were trying to grip roots with one hand pulling ourselves up, the other nearly up her ass! GOD! WHY? My other mate in the end had had enough and told her to "SHAAAAADUP!". I can see the top! Earth and rocks falling with every push, trying to scramble up quicker as the top is there, just there! Just....... "YEEEAARHH!", we did it. Happy, freaking, shaking, sick...a whole heap of emotions waved over us.

Looking over the edge down below we could see the water bottles on the top of the big rock still sitting as peaceful as how we left them, undisturbed by the chaos around them. Our exit point from the rocks was totally covered in water. Still I was glad we were up here rather than hanging out with the water bottles below haha. Our mate felt stink as, but after a while we were cracking up at ourselves, replaying the whole scenario over and over, and every time we would laugh out loud. Now.... what were we gonna say to the teachers? Maybe I should go sit with the water bottles after all?

A Day In The Life Of Some Really, Really Stupid Chicks In NZ

A Flooded Bridge, A Rope & A School Bus

If you've read the story about Surfing Cyclone Bola then you will already be familiar with the potential catastrophe a flood can cause up in the so called Winterless North. Granted that story was about a Cyclone but every year when the torrential rain would bucket down into the rivers our river would burst and cause heaps of shit and chaos.

This story will crack some of you guys up...and yes it is a true story ok?

The day started with rain, rain and more rain. Woke up breathing first (good start to the day I reckon) then after the morning thing, jumped on the school bus to go to school. Our bus had to cross a rickety bridge, not that we thought that at the time as it was just a bridge.....sweet! Now the local farmers used to keep an eye on the water levels as the river would rise so high that it would spill over the bridges and make it nearly impossible to get to and from home. They would call the school and there would be an announcement "Otaua bus pupils, please go to the hall". So we were obviously peeved that we had to finish the school day early to go home..... NOT! Classmates were so envious as they would say stuff like "oh man, can we come to your place bro?" etc etc. Some of the gifted ones would be like "course you ca...........'nt". Hooning out of the classroom 'woohooing' and all that jazz, yeh rubbing salt into wounds so to speak hehe.

We got on the bus and headed home. Kids of all ages crammed into the bus like sardines, man I dunno how those bus drivers coped with us lot half the time, some spitting out the windows, some giving cars and pedestrians the finger, some trying to smoke out the window, yelling abuse at passers by through town.....mate, couldn't do that now or is it that I'm just out of touch living in suburbia now?

The bus diverted off the tar seal road and onto our gravel road, all the while driving alongside the river and us kids peering out the window observing the rising river lapping up onto the main road with "oohs' and "aaahs" and "ho! look at the river bro!". We got to the bridge and man what a sight! The water was spewing over the bridge...we were too late! How are we gonna get home? I don't wanna go back to friggen school man! I wanna get home and have a feed and listen to music! I wanna get out on our skimmer boards in the paddock! I wanna, I wanna, I wanna!

Well... the bus driver at the time must have had his own "I wanna", he obviously wanted to get us home, or was it that he just wanted us unruly lot off his bloody bus. Maybe we drove him to madness? Maybe. Because this is what happened......

In all his great fantastical wisdom he decided that the best thing to do would be to get a 'volunteer' to become the next stunt man of the century...crash course but you'll be a hero young man. This stunt man/boy tied a big fat rope around his waste which was tied to the bus...and yes, with encouragement from everyone on the bus he slowly ventured out, first step, second step, third step... water moving quickly past his shins to the right, fourth step... water up to his knees. The onlookers silent, not breathing... man people would pay to see this shit! Wicked! I remember thinking "Geez mate! You can stop now", and the bus driver must have read my mind because he yelled out for him to come back now. I think he mustve had a reality check because it was one of the most insane sights I have ever seen. He may as well have taken him out fishing and used him for shark bate....yep, i'd put it in that category!

So the hero turned around and skiddied a bit losing his footing for just a moment, I couldn't even give you a visual of what his face looked like at that particular moment as it was a mixture of horror, worry, and panick in a split second... careful mate... he slowly ventured back, ....knees....shins...tera firma! I remember everyone giving him the good old "choice bro!" and all that. He was a bit pasty looking but also looked like he had found heaven once he became part of the clan again. Wish I had've seen the bus drivers face mate, that would've been classic. But he did give him the big approving pat on the back like he was his own son doing a mans thing in a mans world.

The bus driver was stoked that the water level was just low enough for us to get the bus over and across to each of our homes. Probably thinking "Gotta get these bloody kids home" hahaha. Don't get me wrong, the driver was a pretty alright dude who put up with a lot of crap, and all this happened back when you could chuck the kids in the back of a station wagon on mattresses on the way home from a late night out or whatever, it was just what you did up there at the time.

So cheers Mr Bus Driver and cheers Stunt Dude.....thanks for gettin' us home sweet home!

A Day In The Life of A Bus Full of Raucous Kids on A Flooded Bridge With A Rope

The Brick's Smokin!

Well, the day started with me waking up breathing which was pretty normal really.. happened every day before and every one there after which I'm bloody stoked with! So yeah, just a normal day aye.

Anyway, I used to hang out with a cool chick EVERY weekend. We were MAD MAD MAD bitches. Used to laugh 24/7 with bloody tears streaming down our eyes every time we caught up. My folks used to let me use the car to go do our teenage thing most weekends...bloody legends!

We named the car....... 'THE BRICK'. A streamlined blue Corvette............ hahaha! God no! I wish! Was even more graceful..... it was a minivan... yep. Double doors at the back, wheelbarrow wheels and a good 'putt-putt' sound to go with the classy look. Now it wasn't flashy pants bro! We lived in a land where some still have a long drop for a toilet and one TV channel, or no tv! Woh! Terrible.... (touch of sacrcasm). The Brick was cooooooool! Could fit a couple of big meke as dudes in the back and have the bottom drag and grade the metal road...nice haha.

Well my mate and I started the day out on a road trip to Opononi (Opo). Had to meander through the hard out tiny roads with a gazillion corners, trying not to hit the metal too hard with this mean little blue beast. Now, theres this hill before you get to Opo' that the mini van needed a good bloody decent run up to get to the top.... push the accelerator to the floor a mile back to get a good speed to get up and over to the other side.

....My mate spots a couple of tourists....... shall we? yeh, they're chicks mate... So we stopped half way.... what bloody idiots! I meant us... even though I always thought that chicks who do that shit on their own without a bloke in the middle of nowhere needs their head read anyway! "Hello, hello!", we're smiling, they're not... put the packs in the back....great JUST fit! They were swedish chicks, so they couldn't quite fit comfortably in the back seat... serves them right for having bloody long legs, see.......not practical! Started up The Brick and chucked it into first gear.....shudder, shudder... crunch....shudder, shudder. "Bloody thing! Too much weight!" Yep, they understood that, but in the wrong context haha! Trying to say "no no! you're not fat! just little car!", man where has the logic gone?

So they finally got it in the end after I hopped out and opened up the back door and took their bags out...."heavy!....heavy".... so they were like looking at us like bloody freaks of nature. My mate starts cracking up hard-core, started getting that cackle, which turned into her totally seeing the funny side of life.... she couldn't stop! So I started, and 'the others' just looked on and quickly took their bags away from me and gave me the look as if to say "get the hell away from us!". Probably didn't help with The Brick smelling like a smokin' nest hahaha!

So we managed to get The Brick up the top and waited...and waited... and waited for them to move from where we had dumped them and their contents...."what are they doing?" , hahaha I think they are scared of us mate! hahaha! Waving out.....no response... one of them turned and faced the other way with her arms crossed... what the? Well, we both looked at each other and thought exactly that...who cares, the car wouldn't get up the bloody friggen hill with them in it? Geez, you've got a free ride bro! Come on!.....nah...they obviously didn't feel safe with us chicks in our gumboots, smelly car and annoying cackles...

So we went off on our own adventure, wondering why the hell two chicks obviously not from around these parts, would choose not to travel with us vs waiting for a farmer and his dog to turn up next! Maybe it was The Brick? hmmmm maybe..... so we sparked up, skiddied the ass end of the car and made a dramatic exit and left them to their obviously insane day...

But they missed out on having.....................

 Day In The Life As A Tourist With Two Bloody Crazy Kiwi Chicks

Over and out! :-)

Lethal Mongrels!

THERE WILL BE MORE THAN NORMAL SWEARING IN THIS ONE!

Mate...let me tell you............ this was something that happened to one of my best mates at the time and me...

Now my mate lived not too far away, a couple of paddocks away to be precise. We hung out quite a bit as teenagers (we would have sneaky smokes, listen to The Doors and have a bloody good laugh really). Now one particular night I hooned over to her place with my torch and oversized gumboots, carefully navigating my way as there was this huge ass mother of a drain smack-bang in the middle of it! SLOP SLOP....pulling the 'Gummies' out if they happened to get suctioned in by the mud.

It was the usual sort of a night for us...music, laughter, smoking, dancing like rock queens. We'd wish that Jim Morrison was still alive so we could drool more! Bloody Nora! Anyway, no-one else was at her place at the time, so the house was ours for a few hours so we could live it up! Just had to make sure I didn't go green again... like I did this one night...puking outside by the trampoline wishing I was never introduced to Black Russian!

So, after all our shanannigans... it was time to go home. BOO! She decided to come stay over at my place, and in all our wisdom we decided to walk along the metal road (the Local Council had a lot to answer for mate! Shit roads to the max. Big potholes that could stuff up your steering and rattle the mufflars off your wagon. Walking on the road WAS the best choice at the time coz that big mother of a drain in the paddock was a pain in the ass! Many a lost gumboot in that mud-pit, never to be seen again!

As we walked we reflected on some of the hard-case things each of us had done that night, just so we could laugh and live the moment again, ".....hahahaha! What about when you cracked up! And you spat out that Black Russian all over my face! hahahahaha!...". So upon reading that you will know that we weren't exactly quiet.. The neighbouring farms 5km away would have heard us! It was a valley in the middle of nowhere! Anyway, I don't laugh I cackle so that's even worse.

Now, I immediately stopped my cackle dead in it's tracks because my mate stopped walking and put her hand out in front to stop me. She shone the torch up towards the last bend in the road on the home straight...SHIT! Do they look like eyes? SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! Oh my god! What the hell?....... glowing eyes, heaps of them, dotted and stealthily moving around on the road up ahead. We were a paddock away from her place and frozen to the core...What the hell do we do? They were dogs, not our dogs but a pack of blood thirsty mongrels. We could hear their growls of hate echoing...a horrible, sick, demented noise. We both, out of instinct, slowly moved backwards not keeping our eyes of the horrible glow up ahead. Weren't you supposed to not make any sudden moves in this situation? Why the hell are they moving towards us...."Fuck mate, they're moving towards us!", and at that moment the sickening growls seemed to get louder and louder. They had decided to prey on their next victims.....US! "GO! HELP! FUCKIN GO!", and without any further ado...... we bolted! We had to... and our life depended on it. Our life depended on making every stride count, keeping every scruple we had left and speed...bloody speed!

This next bit actually happened....no lies. If we had to do it again we probably couldn't. Now my mate had big boobs and was bigger than me, but she was bloody fast! We could see her house and the driveway was too far to make it....reaction.....cut left and jumped, yes jumped the Taranaki fence....sailed over...adrenalin pumping! Was I breathing? Or did we get picked up by angels? They were soooo close, so close that I could hear their paws thundering with each step on the road behind.

Focus, focus.... focused on the house lights.....JUMP! Jumped the next fence onto the driveway....GO!GO!GO! We're gonna make it!.....skidded onto the porch and scrambled into safety... heavy breathing, I mean REAL HEAVY breathing, it was like our heart was in our heads...

We looked at each other... eyes bulging out of their sockets... man was she pasty looking! Just made me realise what I probably looked like. We were shaking and then realised that we beat the odds and outrun a pack of lethal mongrels!

Still pumped (was for days), I made the first step to set off a chain reaction...I called my folks who called all the local farmers, who got their guns, who got in their wagons (or on farm bikes), who all met up at that 'last bend', who searched and searched for the killer pack. Nothing to be found! What?! Bummer!

Found out that the local farmers had cattle that had been mauled by these bastards. Apparently these 'hunters' were ex pigdogs that never came back, trained to hunt and bring down their prey with brute force or whatever it took. The odd one was found after that and dealt to, fact of life really.

And I tell ya what! We didn't do that again for a very long time! Bonus was that we were allowed to use the farm bike to and from each others house for awhile... but always looking out for any more opportunist blood thirsty mongrels wanting to bring down their next target.....but we're alive and wake up breathing everyday just so I can tell you what could happen in...

A Day In The Life Of A Kiwi

Surfing In CYCLONE BOLA

The day was 07 March 1988 when the cyclone hit, one of the hugest disasters of it's time in NZ... it was also a time when we preferred to be anywhere but school or home. Hanging out with ya mates was our religion. We had a couple of crazy blokes in the 'gang' who tried to lead us girls into some freaky scenarios but being Northland girls we were pretty head strong! Sometimes there were exceptions and we went with the flow...

This is the story of one of those exceptions.....

The cyclone I remember was the most 'massivist' storm I had ever experienced. The back of our farm used to flood when the heavens opened up anyway, but this time the water flowed from the Punakitere River on our border right up to the cow paddock by the house (over half a dozen big paddocks in between)!! The wind! Man the wind blew with a force so severe you would've done triple somersaults to Timbuktu! They even gave it a name this Cyclone as they do (like Gertrude?, Lisa?, Katrina etc)....CYCLONE BOLA (search on the google search button on right if ya wanna read more about it with other sites).

Yep the cyclone 'bowled' us for a six! We had a 3 wheeler farm bike at the time and when the place flooded Dad pumped up the tyres a bit more on the motorbike and turned the buggar on, and away we went...tyres spinning quickly as we were brimming over the top of the water like those peddle boats except with a motor, but movin' fast WOOHOO!I guess he was lookin at the foreseen clean up and mess, but us kids were stoked! Yearh, Dad changed the bike into a motorised boat and my siblings were pirates! HAHARGH me mateys! The Geckos (lizards) left stranded would jump up on our gumboots to be saved so it quickly turned into search and rescue mission... "Save the Geckos!".

Anyway, you know how a weather catastrophe is followed by big ocean swells..well my mate had a 'brilliant' idea (used to call him the phantom farter! Say no more..). "Hey mate, surfs up! Lets go!".. nice one bro... Yep..... we took off to the Opo heads (Opononi) which is insane on a normal day let alone after a Cyclone had been a brewing.I stood there staring out at the thunderous momentum of each wave... wondering why I was actually doing this? Wondering why I all of a sudden I was insane. Wondering if anyone else was thinking what I was thinking! Thinking, thinking. thinking.... quickly stopped that coz just zipped up the wetty and ran down the beautiful tera-firma with the boys, had to get towed out behind my 'phantom farter' mate. Sheez! Sitting on top of the rolling swell, rising up...."awesome can see the others on the beach!"... ducking down..."ooooh damn, they've gone again, maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all" .

I bit the bullet and paddle, paddle, paddled...heart pumping....feel the rush coming! "I'm up, I'm up!", schooning down the face of the wave...steadfast to the small shape beneath my feet...the moment in time where you feel surreal without a care... the moment is longer than what you can see with the naked eye. Could see the peel of the wave out of the corner of my eye so I gotta get ready to stop the ride before it closes out on me....YEEAAAARRHHHH!

Cruising in to the shore steering the board in that general direction, feeling like I was reborn again.... no shit! That was actually the most dangerous but the most fantastic thrill I have ever and will probably ever experience in my life.... lookin' back we were bloody mad...but lookin' back we bloody loved being bloody mad!....and I conquered Cyclone Bola thanks to that crazy mate we called the 'phantom farter'....

A Day In the Nearlly Short Lived Life Of A Crazy Kiwi.

Auckland Billets Arrive!

MY bit of Kiwi history that many have experienced in the past... growin' up in Northland we were fearless sports peoples hahaaaa... we would often have billets (other schools coming to stay from afar to play sport) and stay with us unruly lot in our homes ... god they mustve had pretty sweet parents coz we were pretty rugged and 'hickey'!Anyway I was an OK netball player and ended up havin' an Auckland city girl staying with us, yep we actually billeted someone.... yearh!

Pretty exciting coz I could drive and everything, so wanted to show this Taheke virgin our remote beauty!! At the time I was driving 'THE BRICK' (blue mini van-could squeeze a couple of big fullas in the back you know!). More than one person in the car and we were grading our metal road... the big rocks hittin' up underneath the car, trying not to straddle the road too much or we might take out the mufflar!!

Anyway, on our way.. and the loop road is real, real rough as guts!!! Boulders for surface metal on a road?! HO! I remember my new mate from Auckland lettin' out an almighty "aaaaarrrgh!", my reflexes were pretty much shot due to the vibration of the metal road for the last 1/2 hour.... then......KADOONK! the mini lept up in the air like Thelma and Louise...except it wasn't as glamorous coz we ended up hittin' this poor humungous possum... all that furry rodent saw was two moons mate!!! I couldn't believe this chicks reaction at the time, because we all used to swerve to get the buggas eating our forests and bird eggs blah blah.... But lookin' back on it now, yeah I totally see where she was coming from!

She wasn't the same around me after that moment. Might have been due to me in hysterics after the car lept up and bounced over the cute pest!! Y'know how you get that insane laugh and cant stop! Thinking of stopping just makes you laugh harder!!! Man her team lost the next day and you are never too young to recognise those little glances that a group makes when they are dissing you hahaha!

Anyway, this is a moment that I will remember for ever... 'The Billets', City Slickers vs Hicksville and if you were wondering my tactic of catapulting over a defenceless animal won us the game!! haha nah only joking....

Just another Day

Jumpin off the falls

Ok... Jumpin' of the falls! Yep i was wanna those crazy kids who just wanted to give it a go!! The waterfalls in question are the legendary Taheke Falls in Northland where I grew up... there was a small one that we used to jump off because when you hit the water the bubbles used to pick you up and pop you out the otherside easy as... and those ones had this natural slide down the side of a rock where the baby eels used to swim up.. had to make sure didn't get under the shorts! Sun bathing with ya mates on the hot flat rocks listening to the thunder of water meeting air meeting water.....

Anyway the big falls were HUMUNGOUS.The kind you would count to 10 before you jump. Wind whistling up past ya ears, ya nose and up ya freckle!!! You could probably count to 10 or more on the way down.. we were all pretty hori (scruffy and rugged i guess is a way to describe, no bikinis but unmatched shorts and singlets if ya know what i mean!). Anyway back to screaming through the air waiting for the water to envelope ya body with a mighty splosh! Man when you hit the water it was a blessing, dunno why I'd think I would all of a sudden shoot off at a right angle and join our feathered friends haha... A child's imagination is a great thing! When you hit the water you hoped that you had that great breath before you stepped out into the abyss because by the time you pulled your way up to the surface, air bubbles rising to the occasion, your life depended on it!

Once your head surfaced you could hear the cheers and hollering of ya fellow comrades dotted up the top off the falls ready to do the same thing you just did! What a rush!!! hangin' out wiv ya mates and their mates proving yourself to be worthy of the jump!

One day I jumped... same speed, same buzz.... SPLOSH! DAMN! OUCH! Hmmmmm... leg hurts...hmmmmm... I stick my leg up out of the water and hello blood! The only thing I could think of was the big mumma eels below gettin a wiff of their next meal!! I was a hardcore swimmer thank god so skimmed across the water with one leg kicking for my life and arms powering me to my safezone... sat up on the rock, blood seeping out of my shin.... should I look? Yearh! Don't be a woos!... no dramas mate because once the blood stopped there was a ding in my shin half the size of your little fingernail. No broken or fractured anything...just a scab in the end and now 20yrs on a scar which I sometimes think about when I happen to focus on it... and y'know it makes me laugh at myself and think about those good ole times back home as a kid growing up in the middle of what some people say is the middle of nowhere... to most of us it was a time of enjoying what we had, and mate that's what makes Kiwis great, right on our back door...

Taheke Falls is a Day in the Life of a Kiwi :-)

Introducing A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A KIWI

Hello! Kia Ora world!

A Day In The Life Of A Kiwi is a compilation of short stories about experiences in this plentiful country of ours....New Zealand. Sorry this one is the Introduction....

It's what some people and myself have experienced in this amazing country... Aotearoa (Maori title of New Zealand meaning 'Land of the Long White Cloud '). Some who have never heard of New Zealand I apologise for havin' no introduction to what a Kiwi is (in short a rare bird found in New Zealand, and the nations people are often referred to as Kiwis), and Maori lived here before the English came. Very brief history lesson if you wanna call it that!

Well into the nitty grittys shall we?..........

You will have to settle for me blabbin' about my tales of people, places and experiences (so if you are totally PC - a politically correct person, then be warned because some of these won't be some peoples 'cup of tea' thats just the way it is). . . AND at his stage I'm not keen on having specific articles regarding serious political views etc as this whole concept is to give you a time-out day and read about a kiwi gal growing up in the middle of nowhere and there after.

Encouraging the idea that we Kiwis do have culture and are certainly a rare breed of amazing, hard case characters living in a country some still haven't heard of! We need to show off! Show off the true Kiwi bloke and chick from our first steps to tales of those from past generations and days gone by.

We all need to look at the lighter side of life and keep the Kiwi spirit alive so save this blog of mine, subscribe near the top of this page, so you can read about...

A Day In The Life Of A Kiwi!

Cheers! Heres to keepin it alive.

Kerri