Zit Poppers & Sherbet Snorters

This day I was stuck in the Twilight Zone. It's a time which you reflect on later on in life and think.. did that really happen?.... then have a laugh as the reality of the scene kicks in...

They were all sitting behind their desks waiting for time to end the dreaded exam period. Some people frantically writing, others staring out the window, and one in particular with his head down trying to pop his zit on his knee... oh, gross bro!  You cringe at the image but can't stop staring... you tell yourself to stop staring, but do you? Even if it's a glance after the fact, you still looked!  I cringed and winced every time he got stuck in and tried to win the war. Yeeeeuck! Squeeze.... SPLAT!  His head jerked back and he raised his arm to wipe his face! Fuck sake! That's bloody disgusting! 

Mixed emotions I reckon.... as it was not only one of the grossest things I had seen, but it was a time in my life I couldn't control my raucous laughter in the silence of the exam! Teacher stands up and tears are streaming down my face.  I start getting up as I know I am the hugest disruption at this point and needed to urgently run to the toilet before I wet myself!  Everyone looking and starting to laugh at me laughing at 'zit man'.  "Sorry sir, can I please have the key ?" and raced, exit stage right in the direction of the loos... aaahhh, made it! Everyone thinking.. what the hell you dick? Ah well, keep that one to myself, won't shame him out!

In the final class of the day, I was sitting down the back with my best mate and hear this.. "PSSSSST!"....."oi"...... We subtly look across to our classmate.  He was a hardcase (funny) looking dude. Wiry hair... hated authority.  Always trying to shock even the most unshockable person. Young, dumb and full of it. He had a small triangular paper bag containing sherbet dust that tasted oh so sour and sweet all in one hit.  We thought he was gonna share.  He bent down and quickly snorted it up his nose with the straw dangling in his now swollen red nostril! What a dick! Egg! He winced, twitched, coughed. Teacher stands up and he still has it danglin' from his nostril looking cross-eyed.  Tears streaming down his face whimpering with his brain freeze! Dick! 

Instead of him raising his voice and punishing him accordingly the teacher walks quietly out the door trying to keep his composure.  My mate and I both asked in perfect unison.. "you all right bro?...... BAHAHAHAHA!", snot, tears and snorts!  "Shh, shhh!", everyone stopped.  Hear that? It was the teacher laughing his tits off! Crack me up mate.

What a day bro!  Zit Poppers and Sherbet Snorters in one day.... dunno if I could describe it as a bonus or not?

A 'What The..?!' day is all I can say...

A Jockstrap, A Gun & the Nemesis Cat

Set in the early 80's in the middle of nowhere.

Everyone was dreaming in the dead of night.  The sound of crickets and silent serenity in the air.  Kids crashed out after hooning around the farm from the moment they finished breakfast to when they sat down in the late afternoon to a meatfest dinner.

Dreaming.......

Breathing.......

Dribbling.......

Calm...........

Then... the ear-piercing cries!  Again, and again and again. Most people would have experienced and felt the chill when two cats are scrapping, and if either one of them is your own then you gotta save them! And that's when he left the dream-zone. A deafening sound in the middle of the night... you could hear the 'kill' in their cries.  "I'm fuckin' sick a this!".  He rubbed his face then got up on his two feet,  let out a huge fart and quickly darted his head to see if he woke up the missus, nah she's still crashed out. He was ready...... 

Right..... got the gun ready ya bastard! No more killin' the chooks, no more ripping the kids cat to bits.... NO MORE!  Standing out on the front porch in his jocks and socks he raised the gun, "shit", reached in... turned on the light.  He now had clear vision of the two.  None of them seemed to be bothered that he was standing there coz they just kept circling and lunging at each others throats.  It wasn't until he stepped down one step that they stopped and both, in perfect unison turned their heads to face the man with a gun.

"Oh SHIT!"... you wouldn't dream of it! He saw them, they saw him... Was a brief moment of a hiddy-beast scenario.... which one is ours! They looked the bloody same mate!

Plan.......

He decided to call the family pet to him... "here  puss, puss, puss"... as the logic of that is self explanatory,  call your own and it will come.... it's not rocket science... he even called it by name.

Yes! he's coming right now... limping a bit.. get out of the way ya buggar! He aimed the gun after calling it one last time to encourage him to move faster so that he could get the mongrel, who turned and began to leave..... "BANG!".  Got it!  The other cat shot off like a bullet itself... exit, stage left!.  He walked over to double check... "Fuck sake!"...... it was the family pet! Can you believe it!..... Yep! Shot it up the ass?! Can you believe that?!.... and Yep! He's still alive! Believe it..... he lived for many years after.  Walked a bit funny to start with, as would anyone or anything that just had a speeding bullet shoot up their rear end. Yep, laugh about it now aye? 

The dead of night has a lot to answer for I reckon... AND...

Make sure you don't go out in the dead of night in your jocks carrying a gun to stop a cat-fight..... EVER! I'm sure most of us wouldn't... well, not now anyway aye mate? 

A Day In The Life Of  A Family Man... from a farm.... with a gun.... in his undies.... hmmmmmm                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

Headless Chickens - warning will offend some as literal.

DON'T READ IF YOU ARE OFFENDED REGARDING FARM ANIMAL SLAUGHTER! IT'S THE WAY IT IS/WAS OK?!

It was a sparkling day with the sun beaming through the old wooden windows after my eyes opened from a wondrous deep sleep.  Thinking to myself  "I wonder what I should do today?". Being only a little tyke the farm was my playground.  BUT.... today was not one of those rosey days by a long shot, it was more like a  bleak droning echo in the frontal lobes of my head! I will tell you why..

Dad had his mates around for a few beers.  They were a hard-case looking bunch.. thick 70's moustaches, hair roughed up and un-brushed, mostly down to their shoulders, no shirts and short as stubby shorts.  We always went off and did our thing hooning on our BMX's pretending they were Mustangs and the like... brrrrraaaaa brrrrrrraaaaaa brrrrrrrrrraaaaaa! 

On this particular day we ended up playing in the old stock car out in the house paddock...  had a few old car bodies laid to rest next to the fence.  'I'm gonna be a race car driver man!  I'm gonna waste everybody! Eat my dust!',  which hasn't changed much but I get a speeding fine instead these days!

I remember looking out and seeing Dad and his mates standing there with big sharp looking things.  Hmmmm? What are they doing? We stopped racing and attentively watched the grown ups standing around laughing their tits off about something? But what? Confusion set in until the most insane memory I have ever had appeared right before my very eyes!.... BLOODY HELL! Speechless..... still speechless............

From out of nowhere these strange lookin' birds came racing around the corner of the shed.. and I mean racing like I've never seen anything run before!  Huh? Are those our wild chooks? Us kids looked at each other with confusion written all over our faces as everything seemed surreal and unusually bizarre. A sight never seen with these young eyes anyway!  We pulled ourselves out of the stock car window like the Dukes of Hazard and stood up on the roof, that's when it finally hit us!  They were fuckin headless chickens!  Wild chooks racing around with no heads!  It was if they could see everything as they would dart this way and that avoiding any obstacle in their path!  Didn't help with them being white which makes the whole vision that more barbaric and brutal!

Aaaaaaarghhhhhhhh! Aaaaaarghhhhhhhh! Screaming our tits off now as the images finally sunk in as to what was going down on the farm today!  Am I still dreaming?  Must be... if I close my eyes this will go away!  Hands over my face then preening out of one eye between the cracks in my fingers.. no, still there!  I was hoping the crazy chooks wouldn't race anywhere near the stock car (our sanctuary) as they were bloody scary and erratic.  But they always seemed to make a b-line for us as if they could smell something else's fear! After the numbness passed I could hear laughter and cheering from down the paddock where Dads mates were.  You see we had 100's of wild chooks on our farm that got into everything.. they were pests ok. And people thought different back in the late 70's early 80's in the middle of nowhere.  It was a time of UNpc and wild times for most.  So you have to understand about farmers in the boondocks back then mate.  Crazy years I tell ya...

.....and that farmers had it tough aye! So this was them letting off some steam and putting food on the table, but next time I would much prefer not to see my dinner racing around a paddock like that ever again.  It just damn well wasn't right!  It was the way it was down on the farm as....

A Day In The Life Of A Stunned Mullett.

The Worlds Worst Driver

It's better when it's done in threes. Like another story I wrote previously, Three Stupid Chicks Stuck On A Cliff, this one was no exception! Except only one of us was stupid this time! Well, that's debatable.

Sam was a hardcase chick.  She was good at everything! The fastest, the brainiest, the everythingest! Except she had really shit hand-eye co-ordination when it came to catching balls and dare I say it..... driving! Goddamn it! Why the hell she was the most atrocious driver on the planet I don't know!  Mate, she drove tractors and motorbikes all her bloody life, you'd think she would've sussed out that it's no different when you're driving with something that had doors.  Go figure.

She needed to get to Whangarei, which was about an hour away, to get her braces tweaked (I think she needed to tweak a bit more than that after our near death experience).  So my mate, Sigourney , and I decided to take a risk and accompany her for the long drive so that if the driver (we'll call her Sam) went down we'd all go down like Thelma & Louise plus one.

Wiping the beads of sweat from our brows we jumped up into the single cab farm ute, shut the door and took a deep breath.  I started feeling closed in from the get go as I realised I had placed myself in the middle without even a second thought! Damn it! I gave Sigourney the evils and she damn well knew what I was thinking as she gave me a 'haha! Can't do nothin' about it now bro!' look.  Fuck.

The thoughts racing through my mind at the time....'Damn you Sam! Stop talking while you're driving! Just focus on the road man! Stop it! Stop it!' Swerve.... 'Goddamn!'  She proceeds to take the corner wide'.... I'm screaming, screaming on the inside.

So after a bit of inner chaos we made it to our destination.  Sam got her silver smile tweaked and we headed to the supermarket.  Now, picture 3 small town girls, in a flat deck farm ute with crap up the side panels, with stuff all suspension, bouncing into the carpark.   "There's a park bro!", "Nah not that one, too hard to get in to man".  Thinking to myself at this point... 'Bro! you shouldn't be driving if you dunno how to park!'  Don't stress her out Kerri, just go with it. Don't want the driver freaking as well.

The next thing you know, she starts turning into the tightest mother of all tight parks?  My head darts left looking back towards the deck thinking 'hmmm, even for me this would be a mish (mission)'.... "SAM! Stop! GIRL!"...... screeeeeeeeeek! (that was the sound of metal on metal by the way), "SAM! Friggen STOP!".  She didn't, I think she just kept thinking that a magic wand would appear and fix whatever damage was done, can't be that bad, aye girls?... Girls?   Soooo, in all her wisdom she decided to back out exactly how she went in screeeeeeeeeek and do a runner! Nice one Sam, well done.  We were trying to get her to stop but NO she had painted her ears on at this point (I think they call that shock).

Silence...

More Silence...... more....... then some more.

Wanted woman on the run trying to find the city limits and leave the past behind.   Nothing was said until after the following........

Looking straight ahead she was oblivious to the road works up ahead.  Approaching at 100 clicks and then BOOMF! From smooth to rough.....Then a slow motion 180degree skid on the loose gravel.  Watching through the passengers window, then focusing on the beautiful green paddock, then staring at the hugest ditch I have ever seen approach the ute ever so gracefully with my neck craning for a better view.  It was like watching a movie in slow motion and on mute. I have no idea how long I was staring at that ditch mate, might have been one second, one minute or even 10 for all I knew!

Silence...

More Silence....

Then out of shock Sigourney and I burst into uncrontrollable laughter!  "What the fuck Sam?!", "My god girl, I swear if you get behind that wheel I will shoot you ok?" bahahahahaa!

Lucky no-one got hurt and no-one else saw that part.  She was shaking and we were in a surreal state of laughter.  I drove home, say no more, and needless to say we never, EVER, let her drive us anywhere again.... EVER!

Some of you may be wondering what the hell happened re the supermarket incident? Well!  her old man gets a phone call that evening as a witness took down the number plate.  Karma is a funny thing.... so she was grounded.  She did feel stink that she did a hit and run, after everything had sunken in, but in all honesty I just think she was glad she had another chance to wake up breathing the next morning mate....... and as for Sigourney, well she had the best view of the ditch approaching at break neck speed... nice seat mate hahaha!

So there you have it.....

A Day In The Life Of One Crazy Bitch Who Couldn't Drive To Save Herself! xx

Howdya Like dem Apples!

I get this call from a mate of mine one day to go into town (Kaikohe, Northland, New Zealand - da big smoke...not!), and hang out.  Used to just sit around, talk shit and smoke everything really.  Wasn't much of a drinker so I ended up always bloody driving with a zillion people in The Brick which was a blue mini van.  When you had 'lard asses' in the back seat it transformed into a bulldozer/grader on the unkept metal roads.  It was unreal as a 4wheel-drive too you know! Didn't need a flash wagon to take on pot holes bigger than.... god, I dunno, bigger than?..... THE PLANET!  They should make a documentary about shitty cars and those who drive them, like the tried and true, and I tell ya what!... The Brick would be featured on the show! Hmmmm, something to ponder? 

I've just realised I've really blown this car out of the water (should've literally tried that before Dad gave it to someone else! Yearh! Take that Top Gear!).  Maybe I kept it alive due to my superb driving....or maybe not?.  I never ran off the road (just graded the road as mentioned above), never dinged it and never ran the motor dry....sweet. 

And this part of the story is where The Brick meets The Cortina (Ford, say no more.  You will understand once you read it.  No apologies).  

After talking shit and being semi delinquents we decided to leave town which was about half an hour away at a stretch.  Could go on with stuff like...'faster than a speeding bullet' type crap but I won't.  Hooning along at 100km, taking the tight bends on the main road between Kaikohe and the Hokianga until we flew onto my metal road.

Hit the metal road with the same speed and skiddied the ass end out a bit... all good, sticking to road like shit to a blanket mate!  Glancing in my rear vision mirror.... 'Damn! He's hot on my  tail still!".  The Cortina trying to play with my mind, but I wasn't backing down... especially with a bloke driving the bloody thing! Stuff off! What a rush!

Foot to the floor, taking the bends like a trooper and perfectly drifting around each one.  Bit slippery from the rain but all good brotha!  Getting distance between me and this, this.....THIS FORD! Sure, he might not have mastered the road quite like I had, as I drove it nearly every day hahaha.I got so wrapped up in the moment that I got all the way home and he wasn't behind me!  Waited....waited....waited. 

When I drove back to see where the hell he was I actually felt real bummed for my mate who was sitting next to his car scratching his head wondering how the hell he was gonna get his shitty wheels out of the ditch!  Was even worse when Dad had to get the tractor to pull him out.....'Shame bro! You let a girl waste you...In a mini!'.  Red faced and defeated was he (hehe).  I swore I wouldn't tell any of the boys what he did that day and didn't for years up until a year ago.  Y'know the unwritten law of boy vs girl, anything vs a Ford, I think they call it bully tactics really hahaha!  Every time I saw him I would crack up AT him, and go over and over it just for fun.  Had to keep reminding him that the only reason he was beaten was because of his car, not the fact that I'd been driving for years on the farm and that my folks were stock car drivers, god no! Had nothing to do with it...

Another Day In The Life of Anything vs Fords 

PS (just a little friendly banter with any Ford lover out there... you know how it goes...trying to avoid hate mail and death threats ok?)

BAD GIRL!

When you grow up on a farm there's bound to be some shit happening or some kind of catastrophe.

We had this awesome as motorbike that we would pretend we were stunt riders and always trying to better the other jumping bigger jumps, skidding the ass end of it out trying to do 360 degree turns.  We were stunt stars... at least at home.

On one particular day I 'stole' it and put on my best gears (stonewash jeans, gumboots, black jacket, huge ass helmet and super goggles).... classy bitch I tell ya!  I started off doing small jumps...I needed heaps of practice if I was going to be better than my bro... by the way it was his bike, not OUR bike haha.  Hooning off like the clappers, jumping what felt like 100 feet but probably only one foot.

Ended up with my bro coming out yelling "Get off my bloody bike you bitch!", "You didn't ask! Get off!", fair enough haha.  Just made me want to push the bike harder and faster! Ended up skidding out this way and that and watching my brother run at me then disappear as I boosted beyond.  Took great pleasure in watching him angry and not being able to get near me... knowing full well that when I got off I just had to bloody bolt and get the hell out of there as we probably would have got into fisty cuffs haha (don't get me wrong but we were close as, but annoyed the hell out of each other and ended up in a big scene afterwards).

The time had come as I saw him turn and get the stomp on to go and tell Mum and Dad what I was doing... quick! better get off!.... bloody nark!  Anyway, I had tormented him long enough and I better give the stupid bike back!  It wasn't actually the tormenting him and feeling sorry for him that made me do the right thing, it was him going to see the folks and telling on me....I was a good girl!

I had to do this right! I had to some how get close enough to him and jump off the bike, turn it off (or the other way around), then run baby run so I didn't get a twack.  Still smiling as I knew I had gotten into his head.  Right.....ready.....NOW! Dunno why the hell I did it this way! As the bike was still going I decided I'd skid the ass end of the bike out on it's side, switch it off and run....BUT instead, I skidded out the ass end all right but forgot to put my leg down to stop me from hitting the hard ground and just skidded for Africa mate! I found myself lying underneath the bike cracking up at the whole scene.. looked up and saw my bro running like superman, not to see if I was all right, but to take advantage of the situation and probably torment me in my time of need haha!

The situation got worst and I don't care what you think, but I did something terrible that I couldn't control because I was laughing soooooo much. Which made the situation worse as he loved that thing. He came storming over, picked up the bike and saw that I had also piddled my pants, ON HIS BLOODY BIKE! Woops! hahahahaha. I actually felt stink that that's how it ended and didn't end with a spectacular finale of the best stunt exit off a motorbike... hmmmmm, maybe I needed more practice?....

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF THE WORLD'S WORST SISTER!