Sam was a hardcase chick. She was good at everything! The fastest, the brainiest, the everythingest! Except she had really shit hand-eye co-ordination when it came to catching balls and dare I say it..... driving! Goddamn it! Why the hell she was the most atrocious driver on the planet I don't know! Mate, she drove tractors and motorbikes all her bloody life, you'd think she would've sussed out that it's no different when you're driving with something that had doors. Go figure.
She needed to get to Whangarei, which was about an hour away, to get her braces tweaked (I think she needed to tweak a bit more than that after our near death experience). So my mate, Sigourney , and I decided to take a risk and accompany her for the long drive so that if the driver (we'll call her Sam) went down we'd all go down like Thelma & Louise plus one.
Wiping the beads of sweat from our brows we jumped up into the single cab farm ute, shut the door and took a deep breath. I started feeling closed in from the get go as I realised I had placed myself in the middle without even a second thought! Damn it! I gave Sigourney the evils and she damn well knew what I was thinking as she gave me a 'haha! Can't do nothin' about it now bro!' look. Fuck.
The thoughts racing through my mind at the time....'Damn you Sam! Stop talking while you're driving! Just focus on the road man! Stop it! Stop it!' Swerve.... 'Goddamn!' She proceeds to take the corner wide'.... I'm screaming, screaming on the inside.
So after a bit of inner chaos we made it to our destination. Sam got her silver smile tweaked and we headed to the supermarket. Now, picture 3 small town girls, in a flat deck farm ute with crap up the side panels, with stuff all suspension, bouncing into the carpark. "There's a park bro!", "Nah not that one, too hard to get in to man". Thinking to myself at this point... 'Bro! you shouldn't be driving if you dunno how to park!' Don't stress her out Kerri, just go with it. Don't want the driver freaking as well.
The next thing you know, she starts turning into the tightest mother of all tight parks? My head darts left looking back towards the deck thinking 'hmmm, even for me this would be a mish (mission)'.... "SAM! Stop! GIRL!"...... screeeeeeeeeek! (that was the sound of metal on metal by the way), "SAM! Friggen STOP!". She didn't, I think she just kept thinking that a magic wand would appear and fix whatever damage was done, can't be that bad, aye girls?... Girls? Soooo, in all her wisdom she decided to back out exactly how she went in screeeeeeeeeek and do a runner! Nice one Sam, well done. We were trying to get her to stop but NO she had painted her ears on at this point (I think they call that shock).
Silence...
More Silence...... more....... then some more.
Wanted woman on the run trying to find the city limits and leave the past behind. Nothing was said until after the following........
Looking straight ahead she was oblivious to the road works up ahead. Approaching at 100 clicks and then BOOMF! From smooth to rough.....Then a slow motion 180degree skid on the loose gravel. Watching through the passengers window, then focusing on the beautiful green paddock, then staring at the hugest ditch I have ever seen approach the ute ever so gracefully with my neck craning for a better view. It was like watching a movie in slow motion and on mute. I have no idea how long I was staring at that ditch mate, might have been one second, one minute or even 10 for all I knew!
Silence...
More Silence....
Then out of shock Sigourney and I burst into uncrontrollable laughter! "What the fuck Sam?!", "My god girl, I swear if you get behind that wheel I will shoot you ok?" bahahahahaa!
Lucky no-one got hurt and no-one else saw that part. She was shaking and we were in a surreal state of laughter. I drove home, say no more, and needless to say we never, EVER, let her drive us anywhere again.... EVER!
Some of you may be wondering what the hell happened re the supermarket incident? Well! her old man gets a phone call that evening as a witness took down the number plate. Karma is a funny thing.... so she was grounded. She did feel stink that she did a hit and run, after everything had sunken in, but in all honesty I just think she was glad she had another chance to wake up breathing the next morning mate....... and as for Sigourney, well she had the best view of the ditch approaching at break neck speed... nice seat mate hahaha!
So there you have it.....
A Day In The Life Of One Crazy Bitch Who Couldn't Drive To Save Herself! xx
